Moving forward

I am moving to a strange city and leaving everything I know behind. It will just be me, starting a new chapter in my life. I could've stayed close to home, lived where all my friends are, taken the safe, more comfortable route, and I almost did. But then, how would I ever know what I am truly capable of? How would I be ever to live my life to the fullest? I would rather regret taking a risk than regret being too afraid to try. When I come to die, I don't want to discover that I have not lived. So although I am scared out of my mind, I am also eagerly awaiting the day that I get to suck deep the marrow of life.

You awake?

12:00am: you awake?

12:03am: I am

12:12am: I'm always awake

12:21am: I think it's the darkness

12:22am: it makes me lonely

12:23am: that's why I always text you at night

12:39am: I miss you

12:51am: tell me about your day

12:52am: I wish I was there with you

1:01am: it's been a while since I've really laughed 

1:02am: you always made me laugh 

1:03am: but I guess you're making others laugh

1:04am: that's okay

1:27am: I try not to text you, but my resolve falters at night

1:46am: I'm sorry

1:55am: so sorry

2:04am: I guess I'll talk to you later

2:30am: I still miss you

2:47am: I always miss you

Time

Time, you fickle thing

A minute turned an hour

An hour made a minute

A moment stretched to years

And years gone in a moment

I am trapped in your world

And I don't know your rules

I am at your mercy

And just as the world turns

Just as the seas churn

Just the seasons change

You go forward

Heedless

Reckless

Endless

Insomnia

Silence is never really silence.

Lying under the sheets,

your body sweating from the heat,

you hear all the noises that fill the silence.

The hum of the computer,

The occasional squawks of the parrots,

The air passing through your lungs

Out your nose,

Anything to distract you from the darkness up ahead

Just...thoughts

The truly hopeless people are not those who have stopped looking to the future, but those who look to the future and see the futility of this life. I look at the world around me, at the bankers on Wall Street, at the homeless man on the corner near my house, at the ants relentlessly trying to build a castle of sand and I see that our existence here is no more meaningful than the bugs that crawl beneath us. Like the ants, we are constantly trying to build something, to leave something behind, to give our short time on this out of control ball of dirt some meaning but in truth, no one really matters. All of our work will be stomped out, crushed under the figurative foot of time. So why do I keep going? Why do I get up every morning, and continue on with this futile effort of life? I do not know except to venture that this miserable, dirty, ugly place has one redeeming quality. As corny as it sounds, love is what makes me throw the covers off and welcome a new day. Love is what makes me smile in the face of life. Love connects me to my friends and family; it helps me see that I am part of something bigger than myself. I am part of a species. I am part of the human race. As long as we are here, together, we might as well make sure that everyone has love. You see, the truly hopeless people are the ones who look towards the future and see a world without it. 

Memories

I remember laughing too loudly
along with everyone else
I remember the warmth
spreading through my limbs
I remember being happy
not because of the beer
not because of the sunshine
I remember being happy
because I was surrounded
by the people I love most
my family
The pleasant cloudy feeling
had nothing to do with alcohol
It's surprising how utterly intoxicating happiness is

Driving

Connected to the wind and sky

The heavy bass

Permeates my very bones

The melodies 

Lift my mind to the clouds

As I breathe deep the air

I become larger than myself

I stretch to all horizons 

And in that moment

I am limitless

[the oblivion of sleep]

The oblivion of sleep

Wretched from my embrace

Replaced with a fiery grip

Scalding my skin

Charring my very bones

Consuming my body

And I scream, scream

Like a caged animal

For I too am trapped

Forever

In this body that is no longer mine

Perspective

Do you suppose

it more noble

to sew patches on jeans

or to mop messes on floors?

It is a matter of

Perspective.

[Salt water rivers flow]

Salt water rivers flow

Sister streams on either side

Their source above

Overflows

Words thrown like pebbles

Ripple to the heart

Of the unknown depths

Salt water rivers dry

Leaving streaks on the land

Just dig a little deeper

You will see

The rivers still flow

Just underneath

No less intense

[words fail me]

Words fail me...

That which always could

Now can't

For this pain

This knife in my heart

Can only be felt...

This sadness 

Is known to all

Which is why

I don't have to tell you

Two words

Can be the longest sentence

Good bye

Hope

The tile is cool to her face

Soothing the flushed skin.

The hardness is welcomed,

The lifelessness is welcomed.

She can no longer cry

And instead stares numbly ahead

Tracing the cracks of the wall with her eyes.

She is safe curled up on the floor.

She is at the lowest.

She can sink no further,

They can sink her no further.

And though she is not happy,

The pain has ebbed for a moment

With the thought that maybe she could just give up.

In that moment Sleep caresses her,

Calls her softly by name,

Promises her relief.

Promises her sweet nothing.

But as she looks deep into his eyes

She thinks of what she will miss

And can't bring herself to slowly melt away.

So she rises up

And begins to feel again

Ready to face the day.

And even though she knows the tile will welcome her again tonight,

She sees, for once, a time when she doesn't need the floor

The Phoenix

Covered in ash

Made mud by the rain

Palms upturned

Eyes uplifted

Mouth open in a soundless prayer

She lets the water run over her

Cleansing her

Renewing her

Forever will the land carry the scars of the drought

But eventually the grass will grow

The ash of the fire will nourish 

And from the ground a new landscape will emerge

Different

Yet beautiful

Changed

And reborn

Hiding

Stolen glances

Brief touches

A kiss

Legs can't hold me

Arms feel numb

Lips on fire

One perfect kiss

I'm yours

Choices

Fuck destiny

Fuck fate

Fuck predetermination

Our lives are ruled by our choices

So grow a pair

Grab life by the balls

And demand more

Or else shut the hell up

New year

New year

Same problems