Pain

It is continuous

Possessing me

Taking over my body

My life

My thoughts and dreams

My future

Replacing me with something 

I cannot recognize 

Someone please

Get it out of me

Get it out

[Why not compare me to a summer's day?]

Why not compare me to a summer's day?

Why not write odes to my lips

Or sonnets to my eyes?

Why not take me as your muse,

Yours and only yours?

Why not make me immortal,

Forever treasured in your lines?

Why not love me?

Why?

I could compose poems to fill the oceans seven times over,

Yet you, the poet, have no words

Why not love me as I do you?

Why not love me?

Why...

The beast

In a cage sits a beast

With sharpened claws

And snarling teeth

Beating the bars

That keep it in place

The longer it is trapped

The more feral it becomes

Until one day

It escapes

Ravaging the captor 

Leaving him broken

Running until it is gone

I always come back to you

Why does my heart flutter?

Why does my stomach knot?

Why do my palms sweat?

Why does my breathing stop?

Why do I do this, when I know how you feel?

Why do I love you, when you never will?

Suffocation

The whirlwind whisks the clatter all around

The rush fills my ears and I cannot see

Tightly it circles me faster and faster

steals my breathe

paralyzes me

robs me

taunts me

I fall to the ground

with a cry

It is no comfort

I am torn at

pushed and pulled

I am not mine own anymore.

For the girls

For the girls

Who have demons

Buried inside

For the girls 

Who are forgotten 

Left far behind

For the girls with a stutter

For the girls who are smart

For the girls who wear glasses

For the girls who are short

For the girls who cut their hair

For the girls who cut their wrists

For the girls who think they're ugly

For the girls never been kissed

Never forget
Never forgo
Never give up
Never let go

[i read somewhere]

I read somewhere

That little girls

Are god's gift to the world

But if that's true

Why does my catholic mom

And catholic dad

Tell me that I'm just not there yet

Why do my religious parents

Who pray everyday

Make me lie about my age

So I can join a weightloss club

Why does my dad 

Scorn my tears

And mock my shame

Why does my mom

Start with

"You're beautiful" 

But follow it with "but...."

Why am I told how to look

Not asked how I feel

To bad I didn't come with a return policy

Fear

I fear

What I once loved

I spurn

What I once embraced

I cry for he who is gone

And cower before he who is here

Descended

Into the darkness

Emerged

As a shadow 

Please

Come back to us

Where is the question?

Questions bounce.

Not

even the 

words are 

clear.

Could it be?

Please

Not again.

Not him.

You little shit

Fuck you

And your opinions

Approval

Is overrated

Necessary

Only for the weak

For those that just comment on the negative things and never even bother to give one compliment, fuck you. So insensitive and immature, I can't even believe I wanted your opinion in the first place. Fuck you personally, and a great big fuck you to anyone who ever does this. Ugh, this is why I hate people

He hides, I seek

When you wear a mask of glass

You hide away your pain

You show the world you're happy

You force a smile, feigned.

But when the pressure starts to build

The cracks appear and spread

And when the mask does shatter

The glass cuts deep your head 

The scars you carry with you

Let them whisper in your ear

You are worth so much more than this

You are worth something here

You are loved and kind and gentle

You are brave and caring, too

And if you start to wander

Please remember 

I'm always here for you. 

The beach

The sun dries my hair,

Leaving it a salty mess.

My skin is red.

My nails are torn.

My feet are sandy.

Yet,

I have never felt so beautiful.

The tightness throughout 

At long last, gone

My tangled hair

Crashes over my shoulders

As I sit in the sun

And finally breath.

In dreams

I can't know who you are

Or if you're even real

You're only in my dreams

But I love the way you feel

And as your lips are on mine

Your hands in my hair

My world is on fire

My life starts here

Happiness

Sunbeams warm my face

The fog rolls back

The sky is clear

A laugh bubbles up

Life is sweet

And I am happy 

The not yet lover

Memories not yet made

Ghost across my skin;

Whispers of fingertips

Blaze a path up my arms.

A mystery,

His cheek to mine

Already intertwined.

Patches of fire

Scald my back:

Handprints that don't yet exist.

A wish come alive

In the moments before sleep:

A dreaming lover

Just for me

Numb no more

The empty promises

Repeated

Become the white noise of my life

Numbing me to the pain.

But on occasion

The tears spill down

And the searing knife

Cuts once more.

I am alone

Unloveable 

Broken beyond repair

I survive

I am a survivor.

I have made it across 

The firing range.

My wounds have healed

Leaving jagged scars:

Reminders.

This one here

Is from when you called me ugly 

And this one

Is from when you called me a freak

These are from the laughs at my expense

And this one across my back

Is from when you betrayed my trust.

Thank you

For giving me these tokens

To help me never forget 

The lessons learned

Did you know

I wanted to die?

I learned that life is too sweet

Did you know

I wanted to starve?

I learned that I am to precious

Did you have any idea

Of what you did to me?

Or did you turn away,

Afraid of what you would see?

I learned that others can feel pain too

So now 

when I feel like giving up

I look at these scars

And I remember 

That life is wonderful

That I am worth something

And that no one will drag me down again

Practice, Patience, and Pain

Fingers ache

Wrists throb

Back stiff 

The notes bounce in my head

Burning a trail across my mind

Branded with the songs 

of Mozart

And Bach 

The graceless hands

Of a clumsy child

Pay tribute to the greats

Farewell

Farewell to thee

Who taught me much

Farewell to thee

Whom I did clutch 

Through hardship then

Through hardship now

Time to go?

I don't know how.

But

I will not weep

Or cry 

Or wail

I will not speak:

No words prevail.

And though it pains my heart to say

Farewell my friend

Until one day

You made me

Fire in my eyes,

Venom in my words.

I am not the monster.

You have made me.

I hope the acid stings.

Don't cry to me,

You are my creator.

You have made me.

How dare you call me names.

How dare you judge my anger.

You are bastard that made me.

You made me

And I hate who I am

Time to take a test

Little circles

Colored black

Floating in my mind

Follow me

In my sleep

Pollute my dreams, I tire

Circle circle

A B C

Down to two

Can't decide

Faster

Time is sand

Faster

Almost gone

C C C C C C C

Time

Fuck the system

Take another test

A thought

I want to be extraordinary
Instead I am just extra ordinary

Under Pressure

Expecting
Inspecting
never accepting
achieve, achieve, achieve
not enough to be
be better
be stronger
be smarter
your dreams are invalid
dream different dreams
dream of wealth
of fame
of all the things we never had
two types of people
can I be the third?

To my mom

The nest is growing colder

our wings grow stronger everyday

No longer does she need to coddle us

or kiss our boo boos away

But

do not think

 you are not necessary.

For,

I need you...

as a friend

to talk away the day

I need you...

 as a doctor

to nurse me in my pain

I need you...

as a fighter

to protect me from the world

but most of all

I need you as a mother

to love me 

as no one else could

Happy Mother's Day Mom, I love you.

For you

I hear the notes
in the chords learned by ear
not the same
but close enough

Peeking through
is like
staring into a looking glass
a small, strange world

a piano and a girl
closed eyes, parted lips
swaying
as she whispers secrets to the keys

broken, mishandled
yet
clear, strong, confident
a piano and a girl

Can you feel the love tonight?

It surrounds
I can see it all around me
but it is a smoke
I cannot trap
a song
I cannot hear
a moment
I cannot live
I ache for a melody of my own
someone
whose song matches mine
but all I find is
dissonance
Be my perfect 5th
take these virgin lips
teach them the immortal secrets
and lead me to rebirth

Fortune Cookie

My fortune cookie tells me
that I will
stumble 
into happiness
Taunts me with a farce
of knowledge
All to easy to believe a cookie
knows
what my future holds
Uncertainty

Starting off new

I see a face
round and tired
always waiting for a spark
I am ready to change it
to wash it clean 
and start afresh
Can I?
Will I?
I guess that is why
I venture into the unknown
to see
if
I can start afresh
and wash it clean