The not yet lover

Memories not yet made

Ghost across my skin;

Whispers of fingertips

Blaze a path up my arms.

A mystery,

His cheek to mine

Already intertwined.

Patches of fire

Scald my back:

Handprints that don't yet exist.

A wish come alive

In the moments before sleep:

A dreaming lover

Just for me

Numb no more

The empty promises

Repeated

Become the white noise of my life

Numbing me to the pain.

But on occasion

The tears spill down

And the searing knife

Cuts once more.

I am alone

Unloveable 

Broken beyond repair

I survive

I am a survivor.

I have made it across 

The firing range.

My wounds have healed

Leaving jagged scars:

Reminders.

This one here

Is from when you called me ugly 

And this one

Is from when you called me a freak

These are from the laughs at my expense

And this one across my back

Is from when you betrayed my trust.

Thank you

For giving me these tokens

To help me never forget 

The lessons learned

Did you know

I wanted to die?

I learned that life is too sweet

Did you know

I wanted to starve?

I learned that I am to precious

Did you have any idea

Of what you did to me?

Or did you turn away,

Afraid of what you would see?

I learned that others can feel pain too

So now 

when I feel like giving up

I look at these scars

And I remember 

That life is wonderful

That I am worth something

And that no one will drag me down again

Practice, Patience, and Pain

Fingers ache

Wrists throb

Back stiff 

The notes bounce in my head

Burning a trail across my mind

Branded with the songs 

of Mozart

And Bach 

The graceless hands

Of a clumsy child

Pay tribute to the greats

Farewell

Farewell to thee

Who taught me much

Farewell to thee

Whom I did clutch 

Through hardship then

Through hardship now

Time to go?

I don't know how.

But

I will not weep

Or cry 

Or wail

I will not speak:

No words prevail.

And though it pains my heart to say

Farewell my friend

Until one day

You made me

Fire in my eyes,

Venom in my words.

I am not the monster.

You have made me.

I hope the acid stings.

Don't cry to me,

You are my creator.

You have made me.

How dare you call me names.

How dare you judge my anger.

You are bastard that made me.

You made me

And I hate who I am

Time to take a test

Little circles

Colored black

Floating in my mind

Follow me

In my sleep

Pollute my dreams, I tire

Circle circle

A B C

Down to two

Can't decide

Faster

Time is sand

Faster

Almost gone

C C C C C C C

Time

Fuck the system

Take another test

A thought

I want to be extraordinary
Instead I am just extra ordinary

Under Pressure

Expecting
Inspecting
never accepting
achieve, achieve, achieve
not enough to be
be better
be stronger
be smarter
your dreams are invalid
dream different dreams
dream of wealth
of fame
of all the things we never had
two types of people
can I be the third?

To my mom

The nest is growing colder

our wings grow stronger everyday

No longer does she need to coddle us

or kiss our boo boos away

But

do not think

 you are not necessary.

For,

I need you...

as a friend

to talk away the day

I need you...

 as a doctor

to nurse me in my pain

I need you...

as a fighter

to protect me from the world

but most of all

I need you as a mother

to love me 

as no one else could

Happy Mother's Day Mom, I love you.

For you

I hear the notes
in the chords learned by ear
not the same
but close enough

Peeking through
is like
staring into a looking glass
a small, strange world

a piano and a girl
closed eyes, parted lips
swaying
as she whispers secrets to the keys

broken, mishandled
yet
clear, strong, confident
a piano and a girl

Can you feel the love tonight?

It surrounds
I can see it all around me
but it is a smoke
I cannot trap
a song
I cannot hear
a moment
I cannot live
I ache for a melody of my own
someone
whose song matches mine
but all I find is
dissonance
Be my perfect 5th
take these virgin lips
teach them the immortal secrets
and lead me to rebirth

Fortune Cookie

My fortune cookie tells me
that I will
stumble 
into happiness
Taunts me with a farce
of knowledge
All to easy to believe a cookie
knows
what my future holds
Uncertainty

Starting off new

I see a face
round and tired
always waiting for a spark
I am ready to change it
to wash it clean 
and start afresh
Can I?
Will I?
I guess that is why
I venture into the unknown
to see
if
I can start afresh
and wash it clean